Better Than Deportation

I don’t think we should close our borders to Mexico. I know people are pissed that there are a lot of illegal immigrants, but nobody has really given me a good reason why, other than the idea that they drive our healthcare costs up because they cant pay their medical bills, and that they dont pay taxes, and that they don’t have ID, and that they can commit crimes and not be found, and that they don’t speak english. Also, it appears they are stealing jobs from Americans. I am still researching, but apparently somewhere out there are hundreds of white people trying to cut lawns and wash dishes and clean houses and they can’t because all the mexicans are doing it. These poor unemployed people are forced to sit at home and collect unemployment and watch tv and not work.

I don’t feel we should get rid of the welfare system either. I know that people are upset because it is abused, and it seems to just encourage and facilitate comfortable unemployment, but if we got rid of it altogether we would be even further neglecting the poor and needy in our country. It doesn’t seem right to discontinue something good just because people abuse it. That would be like closing down a soup kitchen because some semi-homeless guys were coming in eating all the soup and the full-blown homeless weren’t getting enough soup. The problem isnt the soup, its the kitchen.

Well, maybe the real problem isn’t the kitchen, it’s the way the kitchen is set up, and how it allows itself to be abused. It blindfolds itself, tosses soup out the window like a charity grenade and complains that it doesn’t get to the right people, or that people are eating too much.

What we should do is make a rule where you only get to live on welfare for 6 months. That’s it. When your time is up, you have to provide proof that you looked hard for a job. If not, we toss you over the fence into Mexico and allow one lucky family to take your place in America, and work the low paying job you don’t want to work in. Maybe some type of lottery or game show could be involved, whatever, but the point is there are a ton of families just dying to come over here and make minimum wage and a lot of citizens sitting on their butts.

This reverse-immigration (exigration?) would flood Mexico with lazy Americans unwilling to work hard, while the Mexican families here would work hard and since nobody would be around to abuse the welfare system, our economy would boom. If we got really ambitious, maybe every year at Cinco de Mayo we would all meet at the border, make some s’mores, and one special exiled welfare family would have the chance to come back to America and get a job. After experiencing real poverty and living in filth they would appreciate the opportunity to work and have successfully weaned themselves off the teat of welfare.

Slowly by surely every family we toss over the fence into Mexico would come back useful to society and start some kind of company and create more jobs for future prodigal welfare sons. They would also be bilingual from their little field trip and be able to staff their businesses with Mexicans (now tax-paying citizens)more efficiently. On Cinco de Mayo the newly rich Mexicans (they got promoted because they worked hard) see some of their amigos and rat out some welfare loafers and bring in a whole slew of useful human beings and the cycle continues.

Problem solved.

The only chink in the armor of this ingenious plan is that 20 years from now the United States could quite possibly consist solely of Mexicans, and Mexico would be infested with lazy Americans. Except the Mexicans don’t vacation in Cancun because the lazy Americans are at home watching Wheel of Fortune in trailers instead of working at the resorts. This problem would resolve itself because since Mexico is entirely comprised of hillbilly-welfare-moochers, there is no welfare system for them. This means no cable or skoal, ultimately resulting in extinction.

This actually turns out to be good, because then America can expand into Mexico, use all the dead moochers as fossil fuel, gas prices go down, and we all live in happy harmony eating tex-mex and watching spanish soap operas with slightly better acting. Best of both worlds. Everyone is happy.